I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Is that strawberry winking at me??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
