no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
