I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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