Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
