so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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