worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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