I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
