Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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