Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
