Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
