So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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