That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
