yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
