I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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