Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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