the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
