Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
