tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
