Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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