No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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