he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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