My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
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from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
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I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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