Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
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I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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