Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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