so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
