my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
