I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
