as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
