if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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