I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
