hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
