i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
