sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
