oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
