I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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