he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird