He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
