I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.