he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
3 2 1 whiskey
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
