my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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