I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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