my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
how does that bad decision feel?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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