my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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