dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
