PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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