i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's official drugs can't kill me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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