Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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