If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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