So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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