Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
