Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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