I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
