i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
