We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
