I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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