the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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