i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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