I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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