You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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