He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
