i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
