I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
