does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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